One of the last Roman posts I’ll be doing, you beautiful people.
Well, here we are. The beautiful Trevi Fountain in Rome. Although this was actually one of my first stops, I decided to use it last in my Roma catalog, for one specific reason. How many of you remember the Lizzie Maguire movie? I sure as motherfucking do. Remember the scene where she shows up to that big ass pool of water and throws a coin in? Well this is it. It was sculpted by the master Bernini in the year God-knows when. The bottom of this pool is absolutely fraught with pennies, euros, and all sorts of other shiny shit. I tried driving in to scrape together enough cash for a plate of pasta, but apparently Romans get butthurt about stealing from Pagan gods. The legend here is that if you throw a coin in the fountain, you MUST return to this city during your life. In Rome, I’ve seen a lot of bad things. People starving in the streets, prostitutes offering to do unspeakable things to my, if I do say so myself, superior penis, and general assholes walking around as if they own the place. But, I’ve also seen some pretty beautiful things. So, yeah, I channeled my inner Hilary Duff and chucked in a Euro. I only hope that my next time in Rome, I can bring with me someone half as awesome as myself, instead of these stupid slaves that I’ve employed to tote me everywhere. Maybe a sweet little courier of the postal system? Who knows. In any case, my stay in Rome has been an amazing one.
Adios, Romachachos. See you in a few years.
Filed under Rome The Mayor The Mayor of Everywhere the Mayor of Goddamned Everywhere The Mayor of Adventure The Mayor of Cantown Homestuck Trevi Fountain
Howdy-do, you beautiful motherfuckers. Still in Rome, just a few more posts from here until I go to tour Greece, and then back home to good old Boise, Idaho, also known as Cantown USA. Behind me the Roman Pantheon, which was a monument built long before the Christian Conversion of the Roman Empire which occurred somewhere around the year 300 AD. It was built as a temple to worship all the significant Gods which played a part in every day Roman life.
EXCEPT FOR ME, MOTHERFUCKERS.
The only light inside of the great structure comes from that big-ass hole in the ceiling up there, known as the occulus. Fuck spell-check, I do what I want. That shit’s not even covered with glass or anything, so when it rains, it all comes into the Pantheon. Thankfully, it was a pretty good day today.
The last picture shows me, chillin’ with the body of my homeboy, the great artist Raphael. I remember when Raphy was a little boy. Motherfucker wanted to be a goddamned Rap Star. But I looked him straight in the eyes and told him to shut the fuck up and do something with his life. So, an artist he became. None of us really believed in him at first, but he rose to do some pretty great things. One of which is the restoration of the Pantheon itself. After the dark ages, the Catholics came in here and gutted all the pagan imagery, replacing it with nice pictures. Like Jesus dying on the cross and shit like that. Raphael requested in his will to be buried here. When the pope, a few hundred years later, cracked open his casket to make sure his body was still there, as opposed to busting out and becoming some sort of zombie artist, he added an inscription to his tomb, which reads: “Here lies that famous Raphael by whom Nature feared to be conquered while he lived, and when he was dying, feared herself to die.”
If that doesn’t make you want to cry like a baby, you’re a goddamned heartless.
Filed under Mayor Mayor of Cantown Mayor of Goddamned Everywhere Mayor of Adventure Homestuck Rome Pantheon Raphael
Alright my friends, it’s time to stop for some culture. The Roma Complesso Del Vittoriano is some sort of big-ass fancy museum here in Rome, and, purely by coincidence, it seems that they decided to put on an exhibition of the works of Salvadore Dali. I’ll be honest here. After what I’ve seen, I’m not sure if I’m inspired, or terrified by the world that Dali has seen. Look him up, his works are magnificent, and covered in layers of meaning and hidden secrets.
And for those of you wondering, Dali blinked first in our little staring match of destiny.
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Still here in the Roman Forum pals. It was on this site way back when that Julius Caesar’s body was burned after he was assassinated by that son of a bitch Brutus. It is called the Temple of Julius Caesar. In the Inferno written by Dante, it says that the lowest circle of Hell is reserved for Judas, Brutus, and Cassius, who was another on of the conspirators to kill Caesar. And I’m proud to say that I’m the one who offered them a one way ticket right up Satan’s asshole. Romans today still come and put fresh flowers on the grave of Caesar, as demonstrated behind me.
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Alrighty, I have taken care of the crisis at the Vatican. It seems the Pope misplaced his hat. That’s alright, I guess it’s a pretty common thing. Anywhore, I’m back here in the Roman Forum now, which is the collection of ancient Roman ruins that were decimated by fire and neglect over 1500 years ago. The spot I am now is the ‘Casa Della Vestali’, or the House of Vestali, or some shit like that, I’m not a goddamned Scholar of Latin. Basically, this is where a lot of bitches called the ‘Vestal Virgins’ lived.
Now the Vestal Virginity was a game of high-stakes chastity. If these women could go 30 years without bangin’, they would be given a massive amount of money, as well as other riches and undying public respect. However. The moment one of them decided to visit the old one-eyed Trouser Snake, they got their asses buried alive.
I regret to say that I am the reason thousands of these Chica Romas were executed.
But God, was it fun.
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Behind me is a member of the famous ‘Swiss Guard’, in Vatican City. These guys have to train for God knows how long to be allowed to guard one of the most holy sites in all of Catholicism. They are an elite fighting force, trained to cut down the strongest of opponents.
After he’s done talking to that bitch, I’mma go challenge him to a fight.
Filed under Mayor Mayor of Cantown Wayward Vagabond Mayor of Goddamned Everywhere Mayor of Adventure Homestuck Rome Swiss Guard Vatican City
Here I am, still in the Vatican. The Pope can wait, I’ve got some motherfuckin’ post cards to mail.
Filed under Mayor Mayor of Cantown Mayor of Goddamned Everywhere Mayor of Adventure Homestuck Rome Vatican City
